Autism awareness: What people need to understand

Having a kid with autism is not the end of the world. Here’s the thing about autism: No one with autism is the same. Just like everyone on earth, no two are alike. So if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism. Each individual with autism has their own quirks and own way of dealing with their situation.

If someone is diagnosed with autism, it doesn’t change a single thing about them. They are still the same person, and we all have our own strengths, weaknesses, and individual traits. A diagnosis might just help them understand why they think the way they do.

You can’t see autism. It’s important to remember that you also can’t see autism. When you are autistic, people look at you and think, “I don’t see anything wrong with you.” It’s hard to have a disability that no one can see, like a broken leg. People might make assumptions about you that aren’t true.

Try not to judge anyone, whether you suspect they have autism or not. It’s important to get to know people and not jump to conclusions.

Autistic kids take things very literally. For example, in elementary school, when my teachers told me I couldn’t leave if I didn’t finish my work, I thought I would have to stay there late into the night. It terrified me.

Choose your words carefully when talking to an autistic child or any kid: They might take what you say too seriously.

Do not yell at or raise your voice with an autistic child. Rather than getting our attention, it will shut us down. If you raise your voice, we won’t respond favorably. Most of us have a hard time identifying emotions in others and interpret loud voices as anger.

Instead, talk to us slowly and clearly, but not like you would talk to a 3-year-old. We might process information differently, but we are quite intelligent.

People with autism will have breakdowns from time to time. And they shouldn’t feel bad about it. Sometimes it’s the only way to express that we have reached our breaking point. I finally started to get real help after my first real freak-out.

Please don’t shame someone for breaking down. Those of us with autism are already our own worst critics. We don’t need you to make us feel worse about ourselves.

Autism can be an advantage. Sure, there are situations where autism is a disadvantage, but it can be the opposite. People with autism tend to focus their attention and energy into one thing. For me, those things are my art and whatever TV show or movie I’m obsessed with at the time. When it comes to autistic people and our passions, we are dedicated, determined and hard working.

Don’t try to take an autistic person away from their passion. It’s a losing battle, and why would you even want to? My parents nurtured my talent for art, and now I’m a published author and illustrator.

It’s important to accept everyone

At the end of the day, we are all unique humans interacting with each other. There will always be people that you click with and those that you just don’t get along with. One thing that has always annoyed me is how autistic people are taught how to act like “normal human beings” while the neurotypical aren’t taught how to interact with us — or to act nicely with anyone at all. What if we all just tried harder to be ourselves and to be good people?

I remember how hard it was to talk to my parents about my problems because I didn’t want to worry them. Looking back, it’s funny to me how I was so scared of upsetting others while I was falling apart inside. I know how hard it is to say how you’re feeling and to say it in a way that gets your point across.

With that said, I’d like to leave you with a couple inspiring quotes I enjoy that put things in perspective:

“What would happen if the autism gene was eliminated from the gene pool? You would have a bunch of people standing around in a cave, chatting and socializing and not getting anything done.” – Temple Grandin, “The Way I See It: A Personal Look at Autism & Asperger’s”

“And now I know it is perfectly natural for me not to look at someone when I talk. Those of us with Asperger’s are just not comfortable doing it. In fact, I don’t really understand why it’s considered normal to stare at someone’s eyeballs.” – John Elder Robison

About the author

Alexandra Adlawan is a writer and illustrator from Long Beach, California, and creator of the Amazing Artists publishing company. A naturally gifted visual arts and written word communicator in reaching children, Alexandra enhanced her skill set by graduating from a professional digital arts and animation studio for artists with autism. Alexandra’s children’s book series includes “The Adventures of Maddie and Albert,” “Wild Imagination,” “How I Spent My Summer Vacation,” “Flying the Imaginary Skies” and the forthcoming “Backyard Jungle.”

More on autism awareness in Seattle’s Child:

What not to say to the parent of a child on the autism spectrum (Lynn Dixon, June 2017)

How to have a successful birthday party for a child with autism or sensory challenges

The post Perspective: What I wish you understood about autism appeared first on Seattle's Child.

In fact, as I write this, I am struggling with whether my youngest, a 4th grader, should go to school despite waking up with a tummy ache. These calculations are never easy. I want my child to feel heard, but if this ache is really anxiety, is it better to do what I can to get him to school? Add in the fear of infecting others if he does have a virus, and the brain just fritzes. The only thing I am sure of, from the vantage points of both work and home, is this: These decisions are not easy.

I don’t have quick or perfect solutions, but I do have a few suggestions based on my experience helping parents and kids manage anxiety when it visits:

1. Practice riding the wave of anxiety (theirs and yours)

 For good reason, this is one of the most common pieces of advice for anxiety. Intense anxiety, or panic, has its own rhythm – an intense escalation (or swell) and then eventually a receding. If we can accept our feelings, and those of our kids — even if we don’t like them — the wave of discomfort will pass faster.

The more we tangle with the fear, which includes trying to squash it with submission or with a “solution,” the more it will grow. In parenting, this may look like, “I see you struggling. I am here,” rather than, “It’s OK, you’ll feel better soon.” Meeting a child where they are with their emotions, rather than where we wish they were, gives them the support to practice working through difficult emotions rather than feeling alone with them.

2. Get yourself to higher ground

 It can feel impossible to respond thoughtfully to kids when our own emotions are raw. Learn what strategies work for you to regain your bearings. Hide in the bathroom to cry if you need to. Get outside. Open the windows. Identify low-friction kid activities for those days you are on battery-save mode. Take care of yourself. Feed yourself when feeding your family.  Drink that coffee you poured. If nothing else, one deep breath with a strong sigh may bring the shift you need.

3. Learn about anxiety together

 Normalizing the experience of anxiety and understanding its biological roots can diffuse its power over kids and adults alike. Kids will be interested to learn about the evolution of the “worry brain” and how anxiety is not all bad. The free app Insight Meditation Timer offers mindfulness exercises and courses that you can do together.

4. Practice sitting with discomfort

This is the hardest — and the most important — principle. I’m unsure if there is anything more painful than seeing your child suffer. And yet, our efforts to protect our children from their distress may in fact cause harm. Avoidance can feed fear. When we rescue our children from facing their fears, we give them the message that they can’t handle them, and in doing so we fuel their anxiety. There’s a scientific term for this: “family accommodation.” 

 How do we avoid accommodating our kids’ stress? A good start is allowing them to feel disappointed, sad or scared, without offering a quick fix. Instead, simply say, “I hear you” or “This is not what you wanted” or “I know this is hard, and I believe in you. ” Activist and author Glennon Doyle blogged it well:

“Maybe our job as parents is not to protect our kids from pain, but to hold their hands and walk into their pain with them.”

Another reason we shouldn’t try to protect our children from suffering? Because we just can’t do it. Among the many harsh lessons during the pandemic is that we cannot predict what will happen next or avoid negative experiences (even when we really want to). A unique brand of anxiety is created in parents when we try the impossible task of protecting our kids from pain. Every day, I witness the toll on parents who think they can do so.  The toll this takes is apparent in their exhaustion and low spirits. As painful as it is, there is also some peace found in accepting what we cannot fix and sitting in that discomfort.

Mental health challenges have increased since the pandemic, but many of these struggles also predated COVID. I often hear parents mourning the old “normal” childhood, and although I feel this too, I want to hand them a grain of salt. Growing up is and always will be inherently challenging. Expanding our own “window of tolerance” for difficult emotions is where the real superpower lies. 

Easier said than done? Absolutely. But at least we know what we’re aiming for. 

5. Build your team

With both children and adults, there exists a spectrum of difficult emotions. Clinical depression and anxiety need more than fresh air and a good night’s sleep. One of the important things we can model for our kids is when to ask for help. If you’re not sure things are “that bad,” start with a conversation with your child’s medical provider. If you don’t have one, ask at their school for resources. Managing the mental health of our children is hard, and you don’t need to do it alone. I’ll add that, as a pediatrician, I am convinced that the best investment you can make in your child is having a mental health professional for yourself. Even in the best of times, there is nothing like parenting to lay bare your own patterns of struggle. Working with a therapist to understand your own wiring is a worthy investment in you and your kids.

6. Don’t compare

We all can fall into the trap of believing others are getting this right while we alone are uniquely failing. Try not to. Sharing honestly with fellow parents about your parenting struggles is often a good way to be reminded that most of us are also often feeling lost and uncertain in these difficult times.

And, if you haven’t heard it elsewhere recently, hear it now:

You’re doing a lot better job than you think.

In the meantime, I’m still calculating: Is letting Noah stay home “family accommodation,” or is it the right thing to do by not spreading germs? Should I keep trying to coerce him out the door or say goodbye to a kid-free day? Perhaps I’ll start with a glass of water and try to figure it out from there. Wish me luck.

Originally published April 9, 2022

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“It’s really nice to have everything you need in one space — and nothing you don’t,” says Melanie Tumlin. “We’re very intentional about every square foot of this space.”

Their skoolie (the term for a school bus-turned-home) is a 1993 Thomas Saf-T-Liner, chosen specifically for its interior headroom (Tumlin is 5-foot-11). Tumlin and her partner, Sarah Storey, bought the bus off Craigslist last July and started the renovation in September.

They gutted the inside, put in flooring, built walls, cabinets and finishes. Construction wrapped up at the end of January, and they’ve been living full-time in the bus ever since.

Storey spent a month’s worth of naptimes fiddling with the configuration of their 240 square feet on graph paper. The couple chose not to do an open layout, so everyone would have their own space. There’s a queen bed (with room to stash 97 gallons of water underneath), separated by a wall, and 21-month-old Baylor Storey Tumlin has baskets for his toys under his twin bed.

“It gives him the space to lie on his bed and read books. And nine times out of 10, he and the dog end up sleeping on the bed together,” Storey says.

“We were both pretty minimalist already. When we found out we were having a kid, we knew we didn’t want to change that. The biggest learning curve has been keeping the grandparents at bay. Buying things and sending things. Christmas was difficult.”

Tumlin lived on a school bus in graduate school and has built tiny homes before, so she brought her expertise to designing and building their bus. The skoolie has water and electric hookups, solar panels and a composting toilet. It’s parked in Langley, on Whidbey Island, as the family figures out their next move. Tumlin works on Capitol Hill, so they are looking for a location within a reasonable commute that also has outdoor space.

The best perk of living in a tiny home on wheels? “For me, it would be mobility,” Storey says. “The ability to take just take our home anywhere, really.”

The family moved to the Seattle area from Atlanta, where Tumlin worked at a nonprofit and Storey worked in retail management. Both of them regularly logged 70- and 80-hour weeks, including holidays and weekends.

“At some point, we just decided our lives were better served if we could have more adventures and more family time,” Tumlin says. “I didn’t want to wake up one day and he was 5 or 20 and think, ‘What was I doing?’ ”

This story was first published in the April/May/June 2020 print issue.

More Making Home

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Exercise in pregnancy is a hot topic and there are many long-held beliefs and much unsolicited advice pregnant women come across. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recommends pregnant women get at least 150 minutes of moderate intensity aerobic exercise each week. Ideally this would be split-up throughout the week, for example 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. If you already have an exercise routine, it’s likely that you can continue it through pregnancy. If you don’t have a routine, and you are pregnant, now is a great time to get moving! Before starting an exercise program (or if you have any questions), check with your healthcare provider.

Most exercise during pregnancy is safe and beneficial to both mom and your developing baby. Just a few of the benefits of regular exercise during pregnancy are a reduction in the risk of gestational diabetes (diabetes of pregnancy), lower risk of needing a c-section and faster postpartum recovery. Activities that are generally considered safe range from walking, swimming, and cycling, to Pilates, jogging and yoga. 

As your pregnancy progresses, some modifications may be necessary to avoid positions that might limit blood flow to the uterus or cause sudden drops in blood pressure. Additionally, it is normal for joints to become looser and balance to change during your pregnancy. These changes can increase the risk of injury during some activities and should be addressed with your physician or midwife. 

Until about 12 weeks of gestation, the bones of the pelvis largely protect the uterus, but there is still concern about traumatic falls and the effect they might have on a developing pregnancy. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) does suggest that there are some activities, such as contact sports, sports with a high risk of falling, scuba diving, skydiving and hot yoga, that are safer to avoid in pregnancy. 

While it may be safer to let someone else enjoy the water skiing during your pregnancy, there is no better place to be than the Pacific Northwest in the summer. Enjoy being outside and take advantage of all that our corner of the world has to offer. 

Dennis Goulet, MD, MPH, is an Obstetrics & Gynecology physician with The Everett Clinic at Shoreline.  Dr. Goulet feels that every patient is unique and finds great joy in building relationships with patients and partnering with them to achieve wellness throughout their lifespan. He is currently accepting new patients to his practice.  Before starting an exercise program, please check with your healthcare provider.

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Consignment stores are a great place to pick up clothes for kids—especially when they are growing so fast and seasonal items are always needed. The prices are far more affordable than buying new, and with careful digging, you may unearth treasures like barely-worn Hannah Andersson jammies or like-new Boden dresses.

If you don't have the time to dig through the options or run all over town to consignment stores—or if you simply don't love shopping—we've found a great solution.

Kids on 45th, the Wallingford children's consignment store that has been a fixture on the Seattle scene for more than 25 years, just launched an online subscription service. They will deliver seasonal, pre-loved wardrobes that are individually curated to your kids' styles, right to your front door. Think of it like a seasonal capsule wardrobe for kids, made from used and like-new pieces.

While some subscription services can be anything but wallet-friendly, this one is super affordable because the items are previously owned. 

When you first sign up, you will get a box in the mail right away, with a mix of brands ranging from Old Navy and Carters, to Tea and Hanna Andersson, plus more. They try to put a blend of brands in each box. If you continue with the service, you will get a box four times a year—right before the seasons change and back-to-school—March, June, August and November. 

You can easily customize and update the sizes and quantities of items needed, on their website—for example, if you sign up for a subscription today, the box would have a mix of pants, t-shirts, shorts, dresses (if you have a girl) and sweatshirts. Don't need any shorts? Select zero. Want extra T-shirts? Increase the number from the four included. 

Prices are so low (T-shirts for $2.75 each, pants for $4.25 each, dresses for $4.25 each), Kids on 45th doesn't accept returns. However, you are welcome to place unwanted items in your mail-in bag for a 20% credit toward your next box. You can also mail back outgrown clothing—from Kids on 45th or anywhere else, for credit—just use the prepaid mailer bag to return outgrown clothes for credit in the next season.

We think it's a pretty sweet deal that makes consignment shopping for kids a breeze.

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