{"id":87696,"date":"2025-01-20T09:35:54","date_gmt":"2025-01-20T17:35:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.seattleschild.com\/?p=87696"},"modified":"2025-01-22T14:22:03","modified_gmt":"2025-01-22T22:22:03","slug":"dad-next-door-on-male-vulnerability-the-boys-arent-alright","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.seattleschild.com\/dad-next-door-on-male-vulnerability-the-boys-arent-alright\/","title":{"rendered":"Dad Next Door: The boys aren’t alright"},"content":{"rendered":"

When I was a kid, I was a crier. Whenever I lost a game, or made a mistake, my face would redden and the tears would come. My parents, who were never very comfortable with strong feelings, took to teasing me whenever this happened. Boys don\u2019t cry, they said. You\u2019re acting like a girl.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I know they meant well. They wanted me to master my emotions, just as they had. And I did \u2014 kind of. I was still quick to flood with emotion, but I learned to squelch the tears. As an adult, I didn\u2019t cry again until my mid forties, when my marriage fell apart, and then I couldn\u2019t stop for weeks. Since then, I cry a little occasionally, but it\u2019s not easy. It’s a skill I unlearned really well.<\/span><\/p>\n

The poet and essayist Ross Gay<\/a> has written several books about finding and capturing joy and delight in our everyday lives. But long before he was a sensitive, thoughtful writer, he was a competitive athlete. He grew up playing football and basketball all through school, and went on to play in college. Recently, I heard him talk about something that happened to him in high school.<\/span><\/p>\n

He recounted being on the receiving end of a football coach\u2019s angry tirade. Unsurprisingly, it was laced with insults that questioned his masculinity, meant to shame and humiliate him. They did the job \u2014 those words etched themselves into his memory.<\/span><\/p>\n

Years later, he told this story to his wife, and reflected that the worst part about it was that he couldn\u2019t get any support, because he couldn\u2019t tell anyone what happened.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Why not, she asked. Because if he had, he would have cried. And what would have happened if he had cried? Then he would have had to kill everything and everyone around him who had witnessed it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I believe him \u2014 not that he would have done it, but that he would have felt as if he had to. I believe him because everyday there are boys and men who feel that same rage and shame, and then do the unspeakable. Just pick up the newspaper \u2014 it\u2019s plastered all over the front page.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Margaret Atwood once wrote that, \u201cMen are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.\u201d\u00a0 What we often forget is that the two fears are connected. By indoctrinating boys into a version of masculinity that defines vulnerability as weakness, we do them a double disservice. First we force them into a state of wounded shame. Then we leave them no outlet for that shame other than dominance and aggression.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s only one way out of this mess. We have to redefine masculinity in a way that includes, and even celebrates, vulnerability. By vulnerability, I mean the courage to admit and accept our flaws, and to ask for help. We have to teach our boys that this is not weakness \u2014 it\u2019s strength.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s plenty of data to back that up. People who are willing and able to show vulnerability are much more likely to make intimate connections. They make better, more respected leaders. They report higher levels of happiness, health, and financial success. If you want to see your kids have fulfilling lives, one of the biggest gifts you can give them is a comfort with vulnerability.<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, all of this is much easier said than done. Right now, we are seeing a convulsive backlash against the redefinition of gender roles, and it\u2019s playing out publicly on a national scale. All around us, men in prominent positions are proffering a version of manhood based on unchecked dominance and aggression.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Right after the election, the white supremacist Nick Fuentes gleefully tweeted the message: <\/span>\u201cYour body. My choice. Forever.\u201d <\/span><\/i>\u00a0In the following days, it was reposted 35,000 times, and viewed by more than 90 million people. Since then, there have been reports of boys chanting the slogan at girls in the halls of their schools.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s easy to dismiss them as stupid kids who don\u2019t know any better. Oh well, boys will be boys. But sometimes, with the right mix of goading, shame, and tacit approval, boys become the Hitler Youth, or the Khmer Rouge.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s horrifying, but we can\u2019t afford for it to be debilitating. If anything, we need to stiffen our spines and redouble our efforts. We need to create as many spaces as possible where our boys feel safe to be flawed, uncertain, emotional human beings. We need to look out for our own casual, inadvertent messages about masculine strength and weakness. We need to be better.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes resistance looks like people marching in the streets. But this time, it also looks like a boy being gently comforted when he\u2019s crying, hurt, or afraid.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s do this. Let the resistance begin.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Read more:<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Dad Next Door archives<\/a><\/p>\n

Dad Next Door: The Monster in the Basement<\/a><\/p>\n

Dad Next Door: Artificial Unintelligence<\/a><\/p>\n

Dad Next Door: Leader of the pack<\/a><\/p>\n

Dad Next Door: The devil wears tiny high heels<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Redefining masculinity to include vulnerability<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1205,"featured_media":87697,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[36,25,1022],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-87696","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dad-next-door","category-parenting","category-whatparentsaretalkingabout","issues-january-february-2025"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nDad Next Door: Teach boys vulnerability should be celebrated<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Dr. Jeff Lee explains the need to redefine masculinity, and teach boys vulnerability should be celebrated in his Dad Next Door column.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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